Disclaimer: This post is incredibly long. The first 1100 words or so are me trying to figure out my own psyche by projecting it onto all of you. If that seems either terrifying or redundant, feel free to skip ahead to find out what I've been doing. It'll be obvious where that is. Also, I use a lot of words of which I may or may not know what they mean. Hopefully, it makes sense. Enjoy:
These past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about identity. Being abroad allows me an opportunity to try out different modes of myself, and I'm interested by what stays the same and what I'm willing (maybe even excited) to change. My perspective and experiences are ever-changing; correspondingly, I should change as well. I just don't know how yet.
This first hit me as I was watching the US hockey team play Canada for the gold medal. I care about America as much as the next person, but I'm not much of a homer; I think civic duty can be disentangled from obnoxious patriotism. In light of the rest of the world's view of American, I do my best to stay away from our shared propensity to intense jingoism. Plus, I really don't care about hockey, so I was surprised at how vociferously I was rooting for the American team. I had no stake in the game whatsoever, other than some abstract pride (and the satisfaction of beating Canadians at something they care about exponentially more than I do). Yet, I was on my feet screaming when the US scored an equalizing goal in the final minute, and I was legitimately disappointed when we (should I just say the US team?) lost.
These past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about identity. Being abroad allows me an opportunity to try out different modes of myself, and I'm interested by what stays the same and what I'm willing (maybe even excited) to change. My perspective and experiences are ever-changing; correspondingly, I should change as well. I just don't know how yet.
This first hit me as I was watching the US hockey team play Canada for the gold medal. I care about America as much as the next person, but I'm not much of a homer; I think civic duty can be disentangled from obnoxious patriotism. In light of the rest of the world's view of American, I do my best to stay away from our shared propensity to intense jingoism. Plus, I really don't care about hockey, so I was surprised at how vociferously I was rooting for the American team. I had no stake in the game whatsoever, other than some abstract pride (and the satisfaction of beating Canadians at something they care about exponentially more than I do). Yet, I was on my feet screaming when the US scored an equalizing goal in the final minute, and I was legitimately disappointed when we (should I just say the US team?) lost.
And this reaction puzzled me. I should preface by saying that I'm likely overanalyzing. In truth, I'm a competitive person who loves sports, and I got drawn into this specific game. Still, cheering for America almost seems antithetical (or at least hypocritical) to my stated goals of studying abroad. I wanted to experience life outside of purely American confines, but found myself being more ardently American. A plausible explanation is that I simply miss home and enjoyed the manufactured camaraderie of being American. There is definitely some validity in that. But to me, it was more of a question of what I'm missing and what I'm willing to give up.
This dilemma was even more present when I attended a US-Dutch international soccer game. This time I had more of a rooting interest (being a fan of soccer), was at the game, and felt a distinct minority in the stadium. I was surrounded immediately by Americans - mainly other people on my program -, but at least 90% of the stadium was wearing bright orange (the Dutch national color). Part of me wanted desperately for the American side to win, but I equally wanted to not care. My competitiveness and "fandom" made this difficult; I couldn't not cheer for the American side*. But I felt that if there were ever any time for me to see a game like this objectively, to just take in the experience, it would be this semester. Maybe, I could drop the American-ness from my identity, or at least some of it.
*Excellent usage of double-negative, if I do say so myself.
Which brings me to what I'm willing to give up by being here.
*Excellent usage of double-negative, if I do say so myself.
Which brings me to what I'm willing to give up by being here.
I don't know how much of my identity (or at least self-identity) is intrinsically tied to being American. Case in point: In Europe, I realize I want to dress better. This is not that odd, except that at home I pride myself on not caring how I look (or at least presenting myself that way). I don't want to dress better to fit in - I don't particularly stick out by wearing jeans and a hoodie every day. I just want to see how a simple change in appearance could change my understanding of things. And this doesn't jibe with my pre-defined, if somewhat amorphous, image of myself (I realize that is a pretty contrived sentence). How important is how I dress to my identity? I realize it would be an entirely superficial change, but what if I came home and dressed completely differently? Would I feel out of place at home? Would I feel less American? Why do I keep using rhetorical questions when I know they're a silly and useless literary device? Coming home, I might feel compelled to return to my old ways - even if I liked dressing better - this time to better fit in. And I don't know if losing this part of my identity, even in this minuscule, superficial way, is the goal or the fear of this semester. I don't know how I want being abroad to change me.
This is not the existential crisis I'm making it out to be. I'm not completely adrift in the world. I have a good idea of who I am and what I care about. I know I miss people at home. This point was brought home rather sharply when my girlfriend Michelle came to visit last week. We had a great time, and I love it here, but I do sincerely miss the people in my life. I'm willing to temporarily part from them, but I can't drop people. They're my tie.
However, I think that precisely because I get restless wherever I am, I never develop such a strong tie to a place. I try to love everywhere I go, everywhere I live, take it all in. So I'm a little confused that my American-ness is surfacing so strongly. I find myself caring more about the ideology of America than ever before. I'm an "other" here. When a group of Americans are being loud in public, they're exhibiting a nasty American trait. When a group of Europeans are being loud in public, they're simply being loud.
There's a lot of baggage associated with being American. Some of it, maybe most of it, derives from American arrogance. We call ourselves the greatest country in the world, and we mean it (most of the time). For a long time, I've questioned that basic premise, especially as America kept slipping in world standing. At what point would the US no longer be the greatest country in the world? And how does one quantify that? It's the same problem I'm having with my own identity. I sincerely love life in Europe. I see things that are better in Holland and things that are worse, but I think that it's ultimately pointless to view being abroad in that paradigm. Who cares who's best? I just want to learn all I can, have all the fun I can, and come home with a new perspective on life at home.
Thanks for enduring this, if you made it through. Now onto the fun stuff...
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Okay. For those of you who didn't read my rambling, I'll just tell you how I've been lately. Once again, there's been a huge gap between my last post and this one. Part of it is that the above section has been in revision for about a week, and I still feel as if it has no conclusion. Still, I probably should try to do a better job of posting. Plus, a lot's happened.
A quick summary: I attended the US-Dutch soccer game in Amsterdam, wherein Landon Donovan ripped out my heart and promptly sloppily passed it out of bounds. Michelle came to visit me, making me feel like the luckiest fella in the land. I turned 21, which while fun and with Michelle, was rendered mildly anticlimactic by the whole "being in Europe" thing. It was redeemed because I got to spend it in Amsterdam with Michelle*. It is currently exam week, so you can probably blame my procrastination for the length of this post.
*Hurray for passive voice!
I'm still attending Dutch classes for another week. At University Maastricht, there are two 7-week blocks in which we take two classes, so my first block is just about wrapping up. In Dutch class, we finally learned imperative phrases; I say finally because I really enjoy being able to tell people what to do. I also learned how to say "asshole" in Dutch (klootzak). Oddly enough, those two skills work in conjunction quite nicely. I can also order in restaurants, tell a doctor that I'm sick, or give directions to the post office. However, in actual fact I do none of these things because everyone (EVERYONE!) speaks English here. Learning Dutch just feels so worth it. Since I'm currently putting off studying for my final in my European State History class, I'll refrain from talking too much about it.
I haven't been exploring Europe much lately, aside from my weekend trip to Amsterdam, so I've been exploring the city of Maastricht. The city is full of public art, so lately I've taken to wandering around and photographing it. Some of these pictures are on Facebook, in case anyone would like to peruse them. If you don't have access to my Facebook, let me know and I'll send a link along. I've not been a visually artistic person in a long time (since about kindergarten), but I've discovered that I really like photography. I also like exploring, either by myself or accompanied, so this habit will likely continue.
The weather has also gotten a lot nicer, which significantly increases my motivation to go exploring. And even exercising (because I don't really want to be morbidly obese, but I'm not about to stop drinking beer especially now that I'm 21). I even went out and played tennis with my roommate today. Actually, played is a bit of an overstatement. More like, I swung a frying pan-shaped object at a yellow spherical object and hoped that said fuzzy sphere would land near where I was aiming. Still, it was nice to get outside.
Being abroad is an awesome experience (despite my earlier rambling). The looming prospect of finals can't put a damper on my mood today - the weather is definitely helping. I'm feeling pretty groovy today. I might even shave later. Life is becoming more and more normal but fun as always. Hopefully, I'll keep exploring and it'll keep getting better.
However, I think that precisely because I get restless wherever I am, I never develop such a strong tie to a place. I try to love everywhere I go, everywhere I live, take it all in. So I'm a little confused that my American-ness is surfacing so strongly. I find myself caring more about the ideology of America than ever before. I'm an "other" here. When a group of Americans are being loud in public, they're exhibiting a nasty American trait. When a group of Europeans are being loud in public, they're simply being loud.
There's a lot of baggage associated with being American. Some of it, maybe most of it, derives from American arrogance. We call ourselves the greatest country in the world, and we mean it (most of the time). For a long time, I've questioned that basic premise, especially as America kept slipping in world standing. At what point would the US no longer be the greatest country in the world? And how does one quantify that? It's the same problem I'm having with my own identity. I sincerely love life in Europe. I see things that are better in Holland and things that are worse, but I think that it's ultimately pointless to view being abroad in that paradigm. Who cares who's best? I just want to learn all I can, have all the fun I can, and come home with a new perspective on life at home.
Thanks for enduring this, if you made it through. Now onto the fun stuff...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay. For those of you who didn't read my rambling, I'll just tell you how I've been lately. Once again, there's been a huge gap between my last post and this one. Part of it is that the above section has been in revision for about a week, and I still feel as if it has no conclusion. Still, I probably should try to do a better job of posting. Plus, a lot's happened.
A quick summary: I attended the US-Dutch soccer game in Amsterdam, wherein Landon Donovan ripped out my heart and promptly sloppily passed it out of bounds. Michelle came to visit me, making me feel like the luckiest fella in the land. I turned 21, which while fun and with Michelle, was rendered mildly anticlimactic by the whole "being in Europe" thing. It was redeemed because I got to spend it in Amsterdam with Michelle*. It is currently exam week, so you can probably blame my procrastination for the length of this post.
*Hurray for passive voice!
I'm still attending Dutch classes for another week. At University Maastricht, there are two 7-week blocks in which we take two classes, so my first block is just about wrapping up. In Dutch class, we finally learned imperative phrases; I say finally because I really enjoy being able to tell people what to do. I also learned how to say "asshole" in Dutch (klootzak). Oddly enough, those two skills work in conjunction quite nicely. I can also order in restaurants, tell a doctor that I'm sick, or give directions to the post office. However, in actual fact I do none of these things because everyone (EVERYONE!) speaks English here. Learning Dutch just feels so worth it. Since I'm currently putting off studying for my final in my European State History class, I'll refrain from talking too much about it.
I haven't been exploring Europe much lately, aside from my weekend trip to Amsterdam, so I've been exploring the city of Maastricht. The city is full of public art, so lately I've taken to wandering around and photographing it. Some of these pictures are on Facebook, in case anyone would like to peruse them. If you don't have access to my Facebook, let me know and I'll send a link along. I've not been a visually artistic person in a long time (since about kindergarten), but I've discovered that I really like photography. I also like exploring, either by myself or accompanied, so this habit will likely continue.
The weather has also gotten a lot nicer, which significantly increases my motivation to go exploring. And even exercising (because I don't really want to be morbidly obese, but I'm not about to stop drinking beer especially now that I'm 21). I even went out and played tennis with my roommate today. Actually, played is a bit of an overstatement. More like, I swung a frying pan-shaped object at a yellow spherical object and hoped that said fuzzy sphere would land near where I was aiming. Still, it was nice to get outside.
Being abroad is an awesome experience (despite my earlier rambling). The looming prospect of finals can't put a damper on my mood today - the weather is definitely helping. I'm feeling pretty groovy today. I might even shave later. Life is becoming more and more normal but fun as always. Hopefully, I'll keep exploring and it'll keep getting better.
